


fault

by the-black-birb (moriturism)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "Reader" isn't necessairly a good person, Angst, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Healing, Hurt, Not Beta Read, Other, Post-Break Up, Rant Piece, Tsukishima Kei is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23767450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriturism/pseuds/the-black-birb
Summary: Yamaguchi is still learning how to move on.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yamaguchi Tadashi/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	fault

Yamaguchi swore he would be okay.

Even if it meant sleepless nights and worried looks, he’d tough through it. _He_ broke up with _you_ , and so he swore he’d shoulder the burden of healing alone.

He knew it would be difficult. Every day was a bit colder without your hand in his, every smile was a bit tougher. Yamaguchi had put so much of himself into you, toiled and worried for hours, he knew he couldn’t simply flip a switch. There was no going back to life without you, for you’d left trails of yourself everywhere. All he could do was walk forward with his head held high.

Still, he didn’t resent you. He’d chosen to end the relationship because he thought it would be the healthiest decision for the _both_ of you at the time, but he understood if you didn’t agree.

 _“They can hate me for it,”_ he’d told Tsukishima. _“I’d rather they hate me than hate themselves. They’re not to blame.”_

He was surprised when Tsukishima sent him his playlist after that. _To distract you from your thoughts_ , the text message ready. Yamaguchi tried not to read too much into it.

He did his best not to dwell on what was. Instead, he drowned himself in his studies and volleyball. Anytime he spent reading or training was time he didn’t spend thinking about you, and that was perfectly fine with him.

But Yamaguchi wasn’t going to ignore that this was a difficult time for you, absolutely not. He wanted to make sure that you were okay without him, and so he’d sent Hinata and Yachi to comfort you. Constantly, they’d tell him about how you were doing and what you were saying and he’d tell them the right way to comfort you. It was fine. After all, he wasn’t getting close with you anymore, he was just helping his friends since he knew you best.

Well, he used to.

Yamaguchi was okay, though. No one had asked him in awhile if he was alright, so he was certain that couldn’t see the dark circles sinking in under his eyes or the way he winced whenever anyone mentioned chemistry (it was your favorite subject, after all). He didn’t know at what point _being_ okay became blurred with _seeming_ okay, but it didn’t matter.

He was okay.

Even when you sat in front of him in class and he could smell your perfume, or when he noticed you had taken the charm he bought you off your phone case, he was okay. When he was so distracted with the way your lips trembled when you read out loud to the class (literature had always been his favorite class. Were you thinking of him? Did he hurt you?) that he couldn’t focus for the rest of the day on his work, he was okay.

He didn’t have any other choice, after all.

* * *

“Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. To get over someone, you have to get to the point of indifference,” Yachi read from her phone as the first years walked home from practice.

“What’re you talking about?” Tsukishima asked, sparing a glance towards Yamaguchi.

“It’s my horoscope!” she smiled giddily, showing Tsukishima her phone screen. Yamaguchi lost track of the rest of the conversation as Hinata excitedly asked to see his horoscope and they fell down the hole of predictions, but felt his stomach drop as he thought about Yachi’s words.

_Did you hate him?_

Even as he tried to shake the words from his head, turning up the volume of his music, he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Yamaguchi silently surrendered to his thoughts, wondering if he’d even have the mind to finish his work tonight or if worries of you would cloud his mind to the point where he couldn’t even manage that.

It wasn’t the worst thing that could happen, really. He could always do his work later. But he had already missed a few assignments from another late night, and he needed to catch up to study and if he let himself falter now it might be worse and-

“ _Yamaguchi_ _Tadashi!_ ”

Yamaguchi gulped, feet glued to the ground. He wasn’t sure how many time Tsukishima called his name before he responded, but he’d spaced out for long enough that the rest of their company was long gone.

“S-sorry, Tsukki!” he laughed carelessly, playing off his nervousness as normal weariness after a long practice. “Got distracted…” Yamaguchi trailed off.

Nothing ever slipped past Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi was aware of this. But he hadn’t intervened at all with Yamaguchi’s muddling, so why would he start now?

“What’s up with you today?” Tsukishima asked sharply, tone like a knife.

Yamaguchi wondered if he put his headphones on if _maybe_ Tsukishima would stop glaring at him so intensely, like he saw through him. It was unnerving, to be both hurt and seen. But he knew Tsukishima had kept his mouth shut for long enough. Still, he held out hope that he could quell the blonde’s worries.

“Nothing-”

“Bullshit.”

Well, so much for that.

“You’re working yourself sick,” Tsukishima scolded, somehow managing to make it sound like an insult. “You’re going to drown in guilt if you don’t stop all of this from eating you up.”

Yamaguchi kept walking forward, picking up his pace. “What do you mean?” He didn’t want to know. Even if he already knew what Tsukishima meant, putting it into words made it all too difficult.

“Why did you break up with [Y/N]?” Tsukishima asked, voice cold. Yamaguchi almost preferred him angry. At least angry he could gauge.

“Because…” Yamaguchi had pushed it so far out of his mind he almost forgot what he’d said to you. “It was better for them to stop talking to me. They were getting so dependent… I didn’t want them to forget about their friends. It was better for them without me.” He swallowed harshly, remembering too many nights where he tried to comfort you, only for you to lash out at him. Yet you always came back, asking for comfort.

It was his fault that he couldn’t find a solution. It was _his_ problem to deal with.

“What about you?” Tsukishima asked, practically foaming at the mouth with anger.

“Huh?” Yamaguchi didn’t understand. What about him?

“What about you?” Tsukishima repeated, pronouncing every word carefully. “You didn’t break up with [Y/N] for their sake, Yamaguchi. You broke up with them for yours. Why?”

Yamaguchi felt his mouth go dry as he tasted Tsukishima’s words bitterly. “I guess I was being selfish…” Yamaguchi mumbled. “I was too scared to talk about it with them… so I just ended it…” He prayed that was the answer Tsukishima wanted to hear, counting the steps until he was at his doorstep so he could lock himself up in his room.

Tsukishima groaned. _Wrong answer._

“Yamaguchi,” he stopped in the road to stare at Yamaguchi fully. The shorter of the two rocked back on his heals nervously, unable to keep his energy still. “Why can’t you just admit it?” Tsukishima pressed.

“Admit _what?_ ” was Yamaguchi’s ferverent answer. He’d been nothing but honest with his thoughts the whole time.

“[Y/N] hurt you!”

It wasn’t often that Tsukishima raised his voice. He was a laidback guy who only spoke when he needed to (or when he was trying to be an asshole), and his quiet disposition had gotten Yamaguchi into the habit of listening closely when he spoke.

But right now, he didn’t want to hear any of it. So desperately, he wanted to forget this walk home had ever happened and to forget all the thoughts he’d worried on you. But Tsukishima wasn’t done just yet.

“They were like a leech! And instead of _doing_ something about it, you’re still bleeding out!”

 _No._ He didn’t want it to be true. Everything would just be way too complicated if it was true.

“It’s okay if you need to heal, Yamaguchi. But you need to admit it to yourself before you can.”

No. He would be okay. He was okay. He was okay. He was okay. He was-

“It’s not your fault.”

The silence when Tsukishima finished was deafening, only broken up by the soft sobs of Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi hadn’t cried throughout your whole relationship. It surprised him a bit, seeing as he was a serial crybaby. Sad movies, dog videos, you name, he cried about it. But something about being with you was so numbing, he hadn’t even shed a tear. Not when you first told him you loved him (and he knew he should’ve been overjoyed, but all he felt was scared) or when he finally broke up with you. Even in the weeks following your breakup as he but himself together piece by ragged piece, his tear ducts remained dry.

But somehow Tsukishima’s words broke through. _It’s not your fault._ The words echoed in Yamaguchi’s head, repeating like a revelation.

Through blurry eyes, he felt a strong grip on his shoulder.

“C’mon, Tadashi,” Tsukishima whispered, voice easing from his earlier tone. “Let’s get you home.”

The rest of the walk home was a blur, as was the sound of his keys jingling and his mother calling a greeting from the kitchen. All Yamaguchi could process was the feeling of falling onto his bed, soft sheets engulfing him and muscles relaxing.

He was not okay, and he hadn’t been for a long time.

But, maybe, he was finally starting to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah not gonna lie this piece is personal. Based off of real emotions and events hahaha. Enjoy <3


End file.
